(Note to readers foreign to the concept of irony: this is meant as a light-hearted guide for California Natives new to the Midwest. It is not to be taken literally!)
Are you new in town, missing your old friends, and finding it difficult to make new ones? Perhaps you suffer from a case of authenticity. Here’s a simple, step-by-step guide to help rid you of this. Just follow along, and in no time, you will acclimate to your new surroundings, become a part of the cool crowd, and form a lasting relationship.
1. Become a part of something that brings people together. And do not limit yourself only to things that interest you. Ideas would include a church, synagogue, mosque (or any other religious gathering), a shared interest Meet-up, workshop, multi-level marketing, and support groups like A.A., N.A., C.O.D.A., etcetera. To stay focused on the task at hand, you may want to avoid Sex Addicts Anonymous.
2. Target the person you like from said social group, toss aside any negative feelings you may have about stalking, and find a way to run into them on a repeated basis. Purely by happenstance, of course. Perhaps, their dog-walking pattern, where and when they do grocery shopping, where and when they go to Internet cafe, and so forth. Just some ideas, but the sky’s the limit. Don’t be afraid to use that imagination!
3. Having successfully “run into” them on occasion, keep to light greeting exchanges. Always be in a rush. Remember, when they say “how ya doin,” THIS IS NOT A QUESTION. No delving into how you actually are. And stay on the safe side – don’t come to a stop; they may assume you want a conversation. Just breeze on by whilst parroting the same greeting. Be sure to include a friendly, “would love to chat, but I’ve got this thing….”
4. When you have been in a “rush” too often for it to possibly be construed as the truth any longer, begin to strike up brief conversations when you “happen” to run into them. Be prepared, as target may not yet be equipped for actual face-to-face time. (Some need to repeat step three for many years before going this far.)
5. When you are sufficiently past stage four, casually mention that you two should meet up sometime – you know, for coffee. Keep it light. (Can’t stress that enough.)
6. When your target agrees and is ready to actually follow through with coffee/beer/wine/liquor or the god-forbidden tea, be sure to maintain that light-heartedness you should, by now, have learned to master. No life-story shares, no feelings, no nothing – just good ol’ fashioned shallow talk. We call this “Water Cooler Talk.” Look it up.
7. If these light get-togethers become a more regular thing, choose the perfect moment to share a shallow story from your past. At a bar. Alcohol helps. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. One false move, and you’ve lost them. So if you don’t know how this is done, I suggest watching the entire series of Seinfeld before taking one more step!
8. Provided that you haven’t lost them by now (you will know this if they share shallow stories from their past, too), invite them over for dinner and game night. If you don’t do game nights, start.
9. If step eight is a success (you will know this if they don’t pretend to get a call from the babysitter or some other dire emergency that prevents them from getting to dessert), give them a light hug when saying your goodbyes. And be sure it’s at the door! You don’t want to be stuck in a spot where you’d be forced to actually acknowledge the hug.
10. Now, you can really let it flow. Call them on the telephone. Scary? Sure it is, so start out by finding reasons to vent. It makes them feel special. “Can you talk? I just really need to vent about something, and I have a feeling you’ll get it.” To seal the deal, rant on about your EX-best friend. Let them talk you through it until you are both laughing over how much you can relate.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just made a new best friend. Authenticity be damned!